I cried myself a Rainbow.

About three years ago i was having a conversation with a dear friend who at that moment was
going through a tough time in her life. She had just suffered through two miscarriages while
trying to run a fast growing business. She felt that she had lost the strength to
fight anymore. She questioned me, in order to understand how was it that I continually
had such a positive outlook on life even though much adversity had come my way in the past.

My answer to her at the time was that I didn't have a choice and that I couldn't allow myself to just give in, but" that question" haunted me. It resonated through my mind over and over for months as I pondered in search of a more definitive answer.


One day I had an epiphany.....
I realized that my journey began by leaving Florida at seventeen.
I knew had i not left, I would have probably committed suicide.
So I left quietly, seeking anonymity.
In search of a safe and comfortable spot to wallow in my pity and shame.
I needed a place that was big enough to sustain me for quite some time.

I had years of resentment and heartache from things unjust, far too long tucked away.
that needed to be released.

When I found a "Sanctuary" I made myself comfortable, And i cried.
And I cried, and I cried until my eye's were blinded.
And when I couldn't see past the blindness of all the tears I had cried, I cried more.
And more, and more, and more.

As my tears ran, I would moan from the pit of my gut.
It was a moan that was conceived from a lifetime of memories, I'd fought hard to suppress.
A moan that came from the twelve year old within me that wanted to mourn the violation of
rape.

When my tears would come no more i tried desperately to become anyone other than
myself, Anyone that was other than what was once the innocent me.
I grew my hair long and curly and dyed it shades of green and blue and once i became bored
i shaved it all off to become someone new.

I consumed MASSIVE amounts of SPEED that propelled me to the Zanax that calmed me
enough to locate the HASH that brought me to the Ecstasy for everything and anything that
eased the pain of the CUTS that i carved on the surface of my arm's and chest to bleed out
the poison that "The Demon" had left within me.

Numerous times while my mind was blank and my body numb.
I would find myself standing at random intersections patiently waiting through numerous
changes of the light.
Waiting for the fastest approaching vehicle, so that I could jump out at the last minute.
Hopefully to be killed on impact.
But it never happened.
I always stood there frozen, gazing forward while backtracking through my buried
memories. Braced in this moment i realize I'm merely searching for a direction that will
hopefully bring me once again full circle.

In my head i would repeat, "I'm ready to move forward" simultaneously
realizing that My wants and reality's are two strangers standing side by side at a corner afraid
to meet because they are both more concerned with gazing off into the edge of what they view
as "The introduction's of their individual Forever's".

I continued a self destructive lifestyle for 10 years filled with many desperate acts.
Attempting to jump out of a 4th story building.
A successful jump out of a 2nd story, with minor scrapes and bruises.
A repeated jump from a 3rd story building that once again i walked away with minor bruises.
Hence I strongly believe in Guardian Angels.

There were many metamorphosis's i put myself through while trying to convince myself that
all my problems would be lessened if i could just find someone to love me and that understood what i was running from. Someone to show me a new direction while keeping me safe. I thought i found that solution when i married RITA........This was probably the craziest and most profound thing that i ever could have done, because our marriage only opened my eyes to the fact that i was truly more gay than bisexual. It also made me realize that I need more relationship skills.

My first true Gay lover "PAUL" turned out to be a closet freak with unbeknown st to me at the time a wife with twin daughters. Next came "RALF", my beautiful curly haired uptight German that would expose me to Europe and all the things that I was trying to run from sexually. As Ralf and i approached our 3 year anniversary i realized that we were growing apart because he constantly pushed me to do things that i couldn't because of my past. We came to an agreement that it was okay for him to seek these things elsewhere and i thought that i would be okay with having a open relationship as a mature adult...boy was i wrong. I ended up being asked to leave OUR apartment while he entertained his tricks. That only happened a few times before our relationship was over.

So there i was in my early twenty's separated from my wife with several failed gay relationships behind me and i'm all alone in Germany. I put aside my pride and I slept on friends couches until my welcome was worn out, and in between couches i worked a few tricks and more often than not i would simply walk the streets and reflect on why it was easier to make this choice than to seek help from the people that I wanted to be left in my past, MY PARENTS"

This particular period of my life lead me to yet another "Guardian Angel" his arms shielded me from the heavy rain of the storm that I was passing through. Mischa and I stayed together for almost 10 years. He caught me at the tail end of what could have been me self destructing once again..but he turned me around and made me realize that I had a right to be pissed off and that I could scream and yell as much as i needed if it made things better.

FINALLY, someone that was simply loving me for me. Not for sex or for material things but for my spirit. I'm not saying that we had a fairytale romance, because we didn't but it was the first time that someone made me be accountable for my actions and he made me understand that i could only be a victim for so long, before you have to become the survivor. For this i will always have a special place in my heart for him. Together mischa and i built what at the time was a dream life for most. We had a beautiful five bedroom home in a upscale neighborhood, a jaguar in the garage with the latest sports car as it's companion and plenty of money to burn. But on the inside i always felt empty.

One day Migael and i were discussing what we wanted for our futures and i told him what i wanted more than anything we already had or could have in the future was a baby. I didn't care if it was biological or surrogate or even adopted. I just wanted a baby...After a long discussion he agreed that if we built our business up for another year that we would be able to financially support having a child. Well that year came and went and then another came and went and with each passing year i grew even emptier and i knew that it was time to walk away from all that i had become secure with in order to walk into my true self , and even though i left i knew i had a life long friend and that I finally mastered my relationship skills.

Never leave in anger, always leave in love. About three years before Mischa and i went our separate ways i was being pursued by a younger man named keith. On several occasions while out with friends i would run into keith and i always kindly let him know that while flattered by his unrelenting pursuits, I was in a relationship. But a few weeks after migael and i split i was searching for an apartment and I ran into keith, the first words out of his mouth were "do you still have a boyfriend"? My answer was no. What followed is the effect s of the REBOUND ROMANCE. We were living together within a few months. It was very intense. Lot's of parties and an astonishing amount of drugs, all the things i knew in my heart were already a thing of my past but i dove backwards deeper. What started out as a welcomed distraction rapidly became a clear and apparent vehicle of my own Coup'd tae.. I gave in to my own demons and lost.

All the material things that i grew to hate from my previous life quickly vanish away as i try to replace them with keith. No matter how much i tried to erase all ties to my past it never was
enough to prove to him that he was enough. Little did I realize that my day was coming.
Keith had been diagnosed with a stomach tumor which was removed long before we met each other, but he suffered with complications for quite a long time. After hearing him complain for quite some time about the pain and him throwing up blood all the time i suggested that he go to his physician and get a full work up. I also suggested that he get a HIV test. Because i had been in such a long term relationship i felt secure, but HIV was rapidly taking lives and even though we had openly discussed our pasts, he assured me that he "FOR THE MOST PART" had been in safe relationships with his previous partners. There was however the once or twice that he was drunk and not thinking safety.

Keith took his test and the time seemed to stand still until the results came back. Looking back now i wish that i wasn't so irresponsible. I mean it was only a few times that we didn't use a comdom. I just knew without a doubt that we were both CLEAN. On the day that he returned from getting his results he walked in the door and I could tell that he had been crying, he was smoking a cigarette and he looked at me and said "I'm Positive". I was paralyzed for a moment, but i immediately went into caregiver mode. It's okay honey, we can take this on together. On the inside i was NUMB.

For the next few months the only thing i focused on was keith. I knew it was important to help him through this before i went in for my test. But the time came that I had to sit in a tiny room to wait for my doctor to come in and look me in the eyes with his regrets of confirming that my test was positive. I struggled to hold composure as i asked him to write me a prescription for the strongest sedative that he could give me. I remember rambling something to the effect that I just could not do this this at this time. Not only was i separating a household of ten years but i was selling a business and trying to start a new life with keith. I needed to keep myself together just long enough to wrap up all the loose ends. I shook his hand after taking the prescription from his hand and I left his office seeking something familiar.....Anonymity.

After all these years and everything that i had already overcome, Irony brought me full circle searching for the sanctuary that many years before secured me from the world. But this time I chose to find it in my 45 minute commute back and forth to work each day, where i would cry uncontrollably until i pulled into my parking space with just enough time to pull myself together
and put on my armor to get me through the day. I found it also by overcoming my fear of death by gaining a greater respect for mortality. I made peace with my past and the man that I always referred to as "The Demon". I also finally admitted to myself that no matter how much i wanted to be there for everyone, i could only be there for a few at most and sometimes for none other than myself and that's okay, because at least my intentions were pure. I learned to accept that my body was just "MY BODY" no greater, no less. simply just my body. I stopped lieing to myself. I stopped searching for love through sex. I found my center. I learned that failure is okay as long as i learn from it and turn it into future triumphs.

Sometimes its important to remember where we,ve come from in order to decide on where you want to go. I'm thankfully humbled as i try each day to practice this. I've come to the realization that i have no right to be angered at someone elses choices and actions. The bottom line is we all live in some what of " A private hell" that spills over into each others lives, sometimes by choice other times just by circumstance.

There was a time in my life that I thought if i yelled the loudest or punched the hardest i would finally be heard and get my just reward by showing that i was going to fight my way to the top.
Profoundly enough i always found myself at the bottom just swinging at myself.

So I hope this answers your question Lisa Nelson..
I still continue to cry,although quite few and far in between.
But now my tears are simply for release and celebration of clarity.
For all that I've been through, and for all that waits ahead.
For all the what ifs of my yesterdays and the if onlys of my tomorrows.
Finally I"ve cried myself a rainbow.

Maybe now it's time for you to cry one for yourself.
XOXO
Junior

The Birthday

Today is my adopted son's 35th birthday.
For so many years it has been a running joke between us,
That "Dad" will alway's screw up the birthday..

I've alway's been somewhat of a non-traditionalist as far holidays and special events are
concerned. I was either a week too early or a month too late.

But after today I think that I will be a little more insightful of this date.

I called my son ,Tao early this morning and was happy to learn that I was the first to wish him
Happy Birthday. He lives in Seattle and I live in Florida and even though it is only 3 hours
diffference..We strugggle to remember that there is a time differential.

As the afternoon wore on I remembered that I had another responsibilty.
My mother had just 2 weeks previous had her first Breast biopsy and today was also the day
that she would recieve her results. Because of a strong medical history. I promised her I
would be there with her.

The results..Breast Cancer.

I think it will be very hard for me to forget this date again for several reasons ever again.

The Ripple

I've just hung up the phone from talking with griffen..

His words resonated.
J.R. You need to let people know in your blog that you are really out to help people.

In this short sentence..I saw purpose..I felt love..I accomplished.
He trusted me.
He listened. He revealed. He thanked.

I know my purpose and I feel humbled.

Name Drain

.........R. Martins........

YOU.....
Genuine. Undoubted.
Soft, hard, pure.
Childlike masculinity.
Open to the unknown.
Universe consume you......

ME.........
Humbly Amazed....
Enlightened, Curious, Thankful.
I drink you in...

YOU....
Unaware... of all that you possess and all that possess you..
afraid to really live in" Your Moments". But constantly living for the moments.

ME......
There for you.....Unconditional.
No expectation or disappointment.
Simply there for you.
Waiting for the next revelation of you...
Soft, Hard, Pure.

Douglas Lawrence

The skies spewed hail and cracked,with loud thunder as i sat by my pool.
Listening to the rain as it trickled thick & heavy on my tin roof.
Singing the welcoming of my present. Which was you.
7-18-06
( The beginning of a friendship)

Gifts to myself.

Anxiety attacks are a gift that i've come to accept as my signal to purge.
Unwelcomed emotions....

Detour

I'm looking forward @ the road that will lead me to a memory that I try so desperately
to forget..

So I turn right as a detour.


( footnote- 436 & primrose = Guilt )